pixie.

“yougottadance. aslongasthemusicplays.”

Bittersweet

Not just any other routine. This one was special and deeply personal.

1) swansong. I’m so sad that this may be the peak of my pole journey. I know it may sound silly but I was so sad on stage today, when I received my prize, when I walked back upstairs and whenever people congratulated me. I was so sad. I am so sad. I don’t know if I can pole for the next months. I resent work for taking away such a special part of my life.. And I’m afraid that if I don’t pole when I come back I won’t be able to do any of what I used to be able to, and it will discourage me deeply. My strength doesn’t come easy to me.. I train hard to maintain it, even though people seem to think otherwise. I’m not naturally strong at all. I don’t want all this progress to go to waste. I know people say when there is a will, there is a way. But if I end work at 10pm, how can I attend any classes or pracs. I am truly sad. Pole is special to me, it isn’t just about achieving more. It’s so special to me, when I’m sad or feeling shitty, I know I can always dance it out. I’ve finally learnt to shake off awkwardness and dance freely. On stage- this is me without my insecurities, without the old monsters that scream fat, or that scream ugly, or not good enough, not smart enough, mediocre. On stage- this is my soul on display but hidden on abstract movement. This is me. I will miss me.

2) a special routine. “But if you’re in the eye of storm, just think of the lonely dove- the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love.”

Walking off stage with the rest, I felt like crying. I did cry when I got home. The end of AN meant the end of many things and the start of many new things I’m afraid of. The storm- work, and being alone.

Work because I’m afraid, I don’t know how to face the madness that my first posting entails, I don’t want to be so physically drained and mentally exhausted. I’m terrified, I’m so terrified I cannot sleep every night. I don’t know how to take charge of lives, how to face tough and nasty consultants, how to work fast enough to go home before 10pm. I don’t know how to live up to expectations. I’m just a silly little fake theory-good student. How am I going to do this? I’m so small. I feel so stupid and small.

Being alone. Work starts, we go from being us to being just best friends. I’m sad and lonely. I’m so very sad. We worked through all our issues and were happy together, we made it through the madness that was the last year. I am the lonely dove in the eye of the storm. My tattoo, the white dove. The white dove that meant goodbye eating disorder, goodbye insecurities, be at peace with yourself. Remember God. only you knew about it. This is the storm, learning to be alone again. Learning to be alone for life, because I don’t want children for so many reasons, and men want kids. I won’t date someone I won’t marry. This is the gravity of love- letting us go and giving us up because of our incompatible life goals, so you have time to find a woman whom you love and can marry and have a good, blessed family with.

The experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love.

Not just any routine

Deeply personal and special to me.

1) swansong. Work’s starting, I’m so afraid I won’t have time to pole. I’m not naturally strong.. People think I am but in all honesty, I work damn hard to maintain it. Several months of no pole, I don’t know if I will ever be able to get back to where I am. I know I’ll be very disappointed and discouraged if I go back and find myself unable to do a lot of things I previously could. Sad.

2) gravity of love. “But when you’re in the eye of storm, just think of the lonely dove- the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love.” Vague, abstract lyrics. This is what it means to me. It’s about us. We finally sorted through all our numerous issues and got through the last tough mad year together and then because of these differences in life goals we have to learn to be best friends instead. I’m sad. Think of the lonely dove. My tattoo. Eye of storm- this in itself is a storm. i’ve become so used to having you around. i am so happy with you. but now everything has to change, and on the backdrop of starting work. i’m weak and terrified.. i’m so scared of the long hours ahead, the loneliness i will face at work, the stress, i don’t know how to live up to the expectations of demanding cons, and i don’t know how i can take charge of lives. i’m so small and so afraid. i am TERRIFIED. and alone. The experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love. How to survive this? How to be alone like this all my life? Men want children. I don’t. Marriage is difficult. I won’t date except to marry. I’m letting us- you- we have to let go of this solid special relationship because we have no future together and love means letting go, so you have time to find a wife who can give you a happy family with kids.

I’m so sad tonight. I was so sad after receiving the prize. Sad and afraid that this is goodbye to pole. My single solace, the only place where I can be myself without insecurities and awkwardness. Sad that the end of prep for AN meant the start of work.. And goodbye boyfriend hello best friend.

2013

Pole
1) first competition ever (even though it was only the intra-studio competition), and performing solo in front of hundreds of people at Avalon!
2) aerial deadlift achieved (special because I used to say I’d quit pole when I could do that)
3) more pole friends.. Hopefully someday they’ll be more than pole friends!
4) IPC 2013! Amazing and inspiring.
5) workshops with Marion Crampe and Marlo Fisken. Both wonderful teachers and pole stars, hope I’ll get to meet them someday again.

Non pole
1) first full marathon ever in 5h8min (could have pushed self more instead of walking and appreciating the scenery, but it was a good and fun experience).

M**
1) learning not to make m** the only thing my life revolves around, and to balance future career and responsibilities with a more well balanced life. I hope at the end of the day, results will encourage me that this is indeed possible, or I will have to go back to the days of mental and physically punishing myself by doing nothing but m**.

This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.

—Lorrie Moore, Like Life (via unbearablysharp)

I don’t want to waste any more time living a small, thin life. I keep a list of things that turned out to taste better than skinny feels: things such as earning a living, the thrill of rewarding work, fun and having the energy to dance all night. I look at that list whenever I feel powerless. Real life is full of all sorts of flavours, some bitter, some sweet. And I want to taste them all.