Not just any other routine. This one was special and deeply personal.
1) swansong. I’m so sad that this may be the peak of my pole journey. I know it may sound silly but I was so sad on stage today, when I received my prize, when I walked back upstairs and whenever people congratulated me. I was so sad. I am so sad. I don’t know if I can pole for the next months. I resent work for taking away such a special part of my life.. And I’m afraid that if I don’t pole when I come back I won’t be able to do any of what I used to be able to, and it will discourage me deeply. My strength doesn’t come easy to me.. I train hard to maintain it, even though people seem to think otherwise. I’m not naturally strong at all. I don’t want all this progress to go to waste. I know people say when there is a will, there is a way. But if I end work at 10pm, how can I attend any classes or pracs. I am truly sad. Pole is special to me, it isn’t just about achieving more. It’s so special to me, when I’m sad or feeling shitty, I know I can always dance it out. I’ve finally learnt to shake off awkwardness and dance freely. On stage- this is me without my insecurities, without the old monsters that scream fat, or that scream ugly, or not good enough, not smart enough, mediocre. On stage- this is my soul on display but hidden on abstract movement. This is me. I will miss me.
2) a special routine. “But if you’re in the eye of storm, just think of the lonely dove- the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love.”
Walking off stage with the rest, I felt like crying. I did cry when I got home. The end of AN meant the end of many things and the start of many new things I’m afraid of. The storm- work, and being alone.
Work because I’m afraid, I don’t know how to face the madness that my first posting entails, I don’t want to be so physically drained and mentally exhausted. I’m terrified, I’m so terrified I cannot sleep every night. I don’t know how to take charge of lives, how to face tough and nasty consultants, how to work fast enough to go home before 10pm. I don’t know how to live up to expectations. I’m just a silly little fake theory-good student. How am I going to do this? I’m so small. I feel so stupid and small.
Being alone. Work starts, we go from being us to being just best friends. I’m sad and lonely. I’m so very sad. We worked through all our issues and were happy together, we made it through the madness that was the last year. I am the lonely dove in the eye of the storm. My tattoo, the white dove. The white dove that meant goodbye eating disorder, goodbye insecurities, be at peace with yourself. Remember God. only you knew about it. This is the storm, learning to be alone again. Learning to be alone for life, because I don’t want children for so many reasons, and men want kids. I won’t date someone I won’t marry. This is the gravity of love- letting us go and giving us up because of our incompatible life goals, so you have time to find a woman whom you love and can marry and have a good, blessed family with.
The experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love.